Link to Sound: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VONMkKkdf4
Voices – by Milena Martin
You are at
home and get ready to meet your friends. Your friends are looking forward to
seeing you and you are looking forward to seeing them as well. You feel
brilliant today and cannot wait to go out. You arrive at the place where you
meet your friends, and everything is great. What a wonderful evening! You sit
in a cosy round and talk to each other. Your friends tell you about their
everyday life, what news do they have? Little by little the uncomfortable
feeling inside you starts rising again. You start comparing yourself [“Don’t do
that!”] and feel so sad. You try to swallow it. These are figments of your
imagination, don’t take it seriously, you don’t have to worry about it.
Everything is as it should be. Or is it not? You try to fight against it with
all you might…
And suddenly
this silence ends, and you only hear voices in your head. Voices of
disappointment. Voices of despair. Voices of insecurity. Voices of expectation.
Voices of self-doubt. Voices of loneliness. Voices of powerlessness. However,
there are also: Voices of hope. Voices of refuge. Voices of joy. Voices of
self-acceptance. Positivity.
They speak
to you but not only that happens. They argue. Which of them has priority or
rather which of them grabs your attention? Which of them is the centre of
attention? Which of them determines your mood? Which of them determines your
feelings or your emotions? How long do they stay?
[The voice
of disappointment]:
[The voice
of uncertainty]:
You feel
like a ticking bomb. All you hear is your racing heartbeat to the beat of a
bomb. ‘da-dum da-dum
da-dum da-dum da-dum da-dum da-dum […]’ “Not another pimple, how are you supposed
to go out like that?” “Somehow your belly looks so bloated.” “Why don’t you put
on that loose sweater instead?” “You should wear some makeup.” “I wouldn’t go
out like that.” “What kind of outfit is that supposed to be?” “The combination
of colours doesn’t fit at all.” “What if everyone is dressed up and you look
like a piece of trash?” “Should you ask the others what they are wearing?” I’d
rather not. “Why do you think everything looks ugly on you?” “Did it always fit
so tight?” “Why is it so loose on you now?” “Do your legs look bigger today?”
“What would the others like?” “Would you rather cancel and not go after all?”
“Is it wrong to ask if you can work on another day?” “Should you tell your boss
that this is all too much for you right now?” “Is this all too much for you?”
“Would you rather not train the group anymore and spend your time elsewhere?”
“Would you like to go back to tap dance maybe?” “Do you miss being on stage?”
“Do people see you from a distinct perspective than you see yourself?” “Is it a
positive perspective?” “Do you seem confident enough or does it stand out that
you are feeling uncomfortable?” “Are you even perceived correctly?” “Is it that
important that you are there?” “Do others even notice if you are not?” “Do
people like you?” “Does it matter if they don’t?” “Do you stand out?” “Is it
important to stand out?” “Are you comfortable in your skin?” “Do you have to
try to please everyone?” “Did you say something wrong now, or does it just seem
that way?” “Are they ignoring you?” “Why isn’t anyone answering me?” “Are they
mad at me?” “Should you talk about it with the others?” I’d rather not. “Maybe
it just seems that way only to you.” Or does it? “You know the right answer, so
put your hand up!” Or don’t you? “What might the other people in this room
think of you?” “Does it even matter?” “Will they make fun of you if you make a
mistake?” “Does it even matter?” “Are you breathing too loudly?” “Do you look
unkempt?” “Does everyone see that you are nervous?” “Should you maybe stay at
home after all?” “Why are you going anyway?” “Should you talk to someone about
it?” “What if they can’t understand you and see your problems as not being
such?” I’d rather not.
[The voice
of despair] versus [The voice of hope]:
“What are
you going to do?” “Does what you are writing here even make sense?” “Do you
really want to go on living this kind of life?” “Please do something about it!”
“Open up to people close to you.” “Why do you always go the tough way?” “Isn’t there
a solution to this?” “There is always a solution!” “Do you realize how busy you
are?” “Where has the time gone again?” “You still have enough time to get this
done.” “Isn’t this all getting to be too much for you?” “Don’t you feel alone
sometimes?” “You have so many people who appreciate you!” “Don’t you feel
exhausted sometimes?” “Why don’t you do something about it?” “You do enough
about it already!” “Do you even want to spend time with your friends anymore?”
Yes, but what are you supposed to do if you do not have the time? “Is that even
true?” “Do you have too little time?” “Or are you just mismanaging it?” “You
don’t have to please everyone!” “Aren’t you yourself the most important person
in your life?” “Why are you getting so wrapped up in this again?” “Can’t some
things be different?” “Are you okay?” “Do you even think about how things could
have been different?” “Maybe that’s why it’s fine.” “Everything will turn out
the way it’s supposed to be.” “Just relax for once.” “You don’t have to worry
about it.” “Open your eyes properly!” “Recognize your worth!” “You know your
worth.” “This is not good for you.” “Get rid of those negative thoughts.”
“Focus on yourself and not on the others.” “But don’t forget the others.” “No
one will be angry about it.” “Or will they?” “You are enough.” Are you? “You
are not worth it!” “Why don’t you scream it off your chest or write it down?”
“Maybe it helps to do so.” “Tackle it!” “Do something about it if it bothers
you.” “Believe in yourself!” “You will never make it!” “You can do anything!”
STOP.
BREATHE. Slowly, the silence returns. Thoughts disappear for a brief moment,
and you can fully concentrate on yourself. You are at home and get ready to
meet your friends. Your friends are looking forward to seeing you and you are
looking forward to seeing them as well. You feel brilliant today and cannot
wait to go out. You arrive at the place where you meet your friends, and
everything is great. What a wonderful evening! You sit in a cosy round and talk
to each other. Your friends tell you about their everyday life, what news do
they have? Little by little the uncomfortable feeling inside you starts rising
again. You start comparing yourself [“Don’t do that!”] and feel so sad. You try
to swallow it. These are figments of your imagination, don’t take it seriously,
you don’t have to worry about it. Everything is as it should be. Or is it not?
You try to fight against it with all you might but the whole mind game starts
all over again …
[The voice
of disappointment]:
“You have to
go to university? Oh, how stupid, we could have needed your help here” “You are
supposed to be in my group!” “I need your help here much more than the others!”
“Ah, well I am all alone in my group.” “Did you read the text on this?” “Never
mind, you don’t contribute at all.” “Why are you always so quiet? You have so
much potential.” “You have a seminar until 8 p.m. today and won’t be at home
until 9 p.m.? Then we can still meet tonight and hang around a little bit” – “Oh,
you have to get up early again tomorrow because you have to go to work. I can
understand, then maybe next time” Will there be a next time? “Your mood swings
are so exhausting!” “Answer my texts!” “Do you have time for me today?” “So,
work and university are more important to you than spending time with your
friends?” “You don’t even realize that you don’t have time for other things
anymore.” “You are completely stressed out; do you even notice it?” “You don’t
even contact me anymore!” “You have completely withdrawn.” “You don’t talk to
anyone about your problems or feelings anymore, how is anyone supposed to
understand you then?” “Why don’t you have time today?” “Everything else is more
important to you than me!” “Well, you probably don’t have time anyway.” “You
didn’t put your laundry away.” “You didn’t tidy up.” When are you going to get
all this done?” “You won’t be able to anyway.” “I asked you to do me a favour
and of course you forgot it.” “Why don’t you start dancing again?” “I don’t
understand your problem.” “You always had so much fun on stage.” “That is what
made you complete!” How does anyone know what makes me ‘complete’? “In your
current company, the others don’t even see your potential!” “You are throwing
away your talent!” “You will definitely regret it if you don’t start dancing
again.” “Why can’t you take time for it?” “Whether you spend an hour at home or
an hour in class makes no difference.” “Then don’t do it.” “I told you so.” “If
you had listened to me from the beginning, it would never have come to this.”
[The voice
of uncertainty]:
You feel
like a ticking bomb. All you hear is your racing heartbeat to the beat of a
bomb. ‘da-dum da-dum
da-dum da-dum da-dum da-dum da-dum […]’ “Not another pimple, how are you supposed
to go out like that?” “Somehow your belly looks so bloated.” “Why don’t you put
on that loose sweater instead?” “You should wear some makeup.” “I wouldn’t go
out like that.” “What kind of outfit is that supposed to be?” “The combination
of colours doesn’t fit at all.” “What if everyone is dressed up and you look
like a piece of trash?” “Should you ask the others what they are wearing?” I’d
rather not. “Why do you think everything looks ugly on you?” “Did it always fit
so tight?” “Why is it so loose on you now?” “Do your legs look bigger today?”
“What would the others like?” “Would you rather cancel and not go after all?”
“Is it wrong to ask if you can work on another day?” “Should you tell your boss
that this is all too much for you right now?” “Is this all too much for you?” “Would
you rather not train the group anymore and spend your time elsewhere?” “Would
you like to go back to tap dance maybe?” “Do you miss being on stage?” “Do
people see you from a distinct perspective than you see yourself?” “Is it a
positive perspective?” “Do you seem confident enough or does it stand out that
you are feeling uncomfortable?” “Are you even perceived correctly?” “Is it that
important that you are there?” “Do others even notice if you are not?” “Do
people like you?” “Does it matter if they don’t?” “Do you stand out?” “Is it
important to stand out?” “Are you comfortable in your skin?” “Do you have to
try to please everyone?” “Did you say something wrong now, or does it just seem
that way?” “Are they ignoring you?” “Why isn’t anyone answering me?” “Are they
mad at me?” “Should you talk about it with the others?” I’d rather not. “Maybe
it just seems that way only to you.” Or does it? “You know the right answer, so
put your hand up!” Or don’t you? “What might the other people in this room
think of you?” “Does it even matter?” “Will they make fun of you if you make a
mistake?” “Does it even matter?” “Are you breathing too loudly?” “Do you look
unkempt?” “Does everyone see that you are nervous?” “Should you maybe stay at
home after all?” “Why are you going anyway?” “Should you talk to someone about
it?” “What if they can’t understand you and see your problems as not being
such?” I’d rather not.
[The voice
of despair] and [The voice of hope] are fighting. It is up to you who will win
this game.
[“You will
never make it!”] vs. [“You can do anything!”]
[“You will
never make it!”] [“You can do anything!”] [“You will never make it!”] [“You can
do anything!”] [“You will never make it!”] [“You can do anything!”] [“You will
never make it!”] [“You can do anything!”] [“You will never make it!”]
You can do
anything!
“When did
you start doubting yourself like that?” “Is it really worth it to rack your
brain over everything and get yourself into everything that much?” “Where has
your passion, your joy, your calm and much more gone?” “When did you start
taking everything so seriously?”
Relief.
You are at
home and get ready to meet your friends. Your friends are looking forward to
seeing you and you are looking forward to seeing them as well. You feel
brilliant today and cannot wait to go out. You arrive at the place where you
meet your friends, and everything is great. What a wonderful evening! You sit
in a cosy round and talk to each other. Everything is good.
Isn’t it?
Structure of ‘Experience’ and ‘Voices’
From my
point of view, the piece ‘Experience’ by Ludovico Einaudi sounded like a
mixture of melancholy, dramatic, and helplessness. Therefore, I tried to
reflect these emotions by using my current situation at this time. During the
beginning of the summer term, I had a really tough and stressful time but
somehow this time inspired me to write my piece ‘Voices’. Furthermore, it also
helped me to reduce my stress by writing down what was bothering me all the
time. So, I wanted to give my thoughts some kind of ‘voice’ and different ‘categories’/emotions
like e.g., disappointment, uncertainty, hopelessness, despair, or hope. There
should not only be negative thoughts but also positive ones, because in some patterns
one can hear a glimpse of enlightening sounds which change the piece from the
darker side to a lighter one. Each modification in the rhythmic patterns
received a specific assignment (e.g., Introduction, ‘The voice of
disappointment, and so on) and reflected on the type of emotion I wanted to
illustrate on the basis of the melody playing.
In the
following two pictures, one can better understand how I structured the piece
and what intentions have been behind the different patterns.
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